In one sense, this poem is the one that started it all. While my first Narnia Project poem was the last in the series, this one made me decide to turn it into a whole collection.
This is probably the closest to my heart of all of them. I wrote it after weeks of seasonal depression and building frustration over anxiety that I couldn’t seem to shake. I kept saying to God, “I thought I was over this!”
During that time, I was reading The Silver Chair for Jonathan Rogers’ class, Writing with Puddleglum. A large focus of that class was the idea of disenchantment, how enchantments often covered up the truth and the characters had to learn to see through the lies. I was kind of half taking the class, getting to the lectures I could make and reading the chapters I had time for. But that week, I had time.
I came home from a women’s Bible study, where I had just vocalized for the first time that I had been dealing with anxiety for ten years. I had nothing to do for the rest of the evening, and was honestly still pretty frustrated with my state of mind. I knew I was behind on my reading for class, and almost on a whim, I decided not to fully catch up, but just to read the chapters for that week. I knew the story of The Silver Chair well enough that I could skip.
That was my mindset, and I expected to finish quickly and then go back to my lonely evening, wrestling my own thoughts. But I did a double take when I came across this quote:
“Prince Rilian shivered as she [the witch] spoke to him. And no wonder: it is not easy to throw off in half an hour an enchantment which has made one a slave for ten years.”
~C.S. Lewis
I could hardly believe what I was reading. What were the odds that I read that line less than two hours after I had admitted that my struggle with anxiety had lasted for ten years? That couldn’t be an accident. The more I read, the more I realized Prince Rilian was actually quite relatable in some ways.
It was the beginning of March, and in The Habit, Student Edition, we had a monthly poetry prompt, to write a poem that had something to do with the new month. So I took the word “march” and the new connections I’d made in The Silver Chair, and composed my second Narnia Project poem.
Even as I type these words, I’m praying that this can speak to someone. I was hesitant to share it with anyone in the moment, because it was so vulnerable. But I posted it on The Habit anyway, believing that my own story could impact someone going through something similar. And that’s why I’m so excited to share it with you.
There is also a second poem in here, one I was a bit hesitant to include, because it was a draft I originally abandoned. But I am sharing it, as well, because it goes along with the same theme, and serves as an answer to the first.
“March Onward”
March! March onward! I hear the order coming-- I sense it in the air. The winter now is fading, The battle must be fought. But I feel I am weighted, A misstep from a fall. What if I land below, Far from the Sunlit Lands? March! March onward! Perspective changes daily As I attempt to drag My heart and mind to where they Should and used to be. If I cannot see clearly, How can I journey forth? What if I fall again Into my deepest fear? March! March onward! The air smells of enchantment, My hands and feet are bound. When am I in my right mind? Which of these things is true? As seasons change, I fall back To fear's cruel mastery. What if there is no peace And this is all there is? March! March onward! I hear the order coming, But how can I obey? A decade in these chambers, This magic at the door: That is not quickly shaken. How can I tune it out? What if this curse remains And never lets me go? March! March onward! My eyes clear, I hear voices; Ones that are not my own. They cry for me to follow, Despite the hold of fear. With hope or still without it, To home I must now march. Oh, why do I forget That disenchantment came?
“Disenchanted”
Down under these depths of cold, cold stone, In blackest night, dark consuming my mind-- Sunken below the Sunlit Lands. Enchantments! Enchantments! the Lost Prince cried. Now my soul echoes the shout. How Can I be freed? I see clearly now Here in this moment, but fear and Anxiety creep back in and cloud my mind. Maybe I have Known the answers long. Maybe He was With me from the start. Maybe the spell is ended--I am not Enslaved, for my eyes are open. I'm already Disenchanted.
Very beautiful words. Encouraging me to keep going. God is faithful to perform the work He began in each of us. Trust Him along the way? This I will do!!!